Fish is Meat, really.

“But you eat fish, right?”

“Of course, man, why wouldn’t I eat them when they constantly make faces like vegetables? Besides, when you’re killing them they don’t even make a sound so it looks like it’s not even causing them any pain … little slippery carrots and zucchinis who float carefree in the river.”

If I eat fish? That’s perhaps the most cliché carnivore question that usually follows immediately after you come out with the fact that you are a vegetarian or vegan.

And yet it is so simple: when I’m a vegetarian I simply do not eat meat. No meat. And fish are also meat. Yeah, really.

Egg Holocaust

Do you know HowToBasic? If you are a YouTube addict and you occasionally go after various how-to videos – such as video tutorials that shows you how to cook a vegan cake, how to put together a birdhouse out of scuffed slippers or how to grow a treble clef-shaped bonsai – there is a huge posssibility that you’ve already encountered some innocent looking video from this channel. Considering how disgustingly many views this video had, you probably said it has to be good, so you gave it a shot. And – Jeez! – how you were surprised…

How to Make a Vegan Cake According to HowToBasic

What the f*ck I just saw?!

Well…yeah, some demented(?) guy is doing an innocent tutorial, shot entirely from his point of view, but roughly in the middle of the video he suddenly loses his shit, smashes everything and mucks the whole place. Once he suddenly stuffs his leg into the toilet full of milk, that he has just threw up out there, another time he starts stuffing plucked chicken with his own fist so vehemently it squelches like two naughty rabbits in oiled porn. He destroys an iPhone in the video which was supposed to show you how to repair such a device, he lits a mattress in the garden, smashes a car in the garage with an axe, comforts a doll by her disfigured plastic face with his finger after taking her out of the oven, where she was cooked because she didn’t want to fall asleep. Or he pulls a tampon from his fictitious vagina which is being followed by about twenty liters of some red plumage running out of his crotch… and right after that by raw eggs, crashing into the floor and breaking. Then he slips on them and begins to roll in all that shit. Actually, he really likes raw eggs in general – they can not be missed in any of his videos. And they always have to be raw to give the best possible effect when he throws them against the wall, on his nasty friends, who are mostly fat and naked, or when he squashes them into really disgusting meals.

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It‘s nothing but a visual gag based on machine-gun editing, exaggerated gestures, unexpectedly aggressive outbursts of the protagonist and on the ubiquitous odor of pervertness, most of which springs from the preparation of disgustingly squelching meals that nobody‘d want to eat. All this is further enhanced by master cook’s constant sniffing and deviant sighing.

It’s all very well done, it’s original and every episode get the desired effect, so the justification for the existence of such a thing is primarily a matter of viewer’s taste. And when we speak about the taste, the numbers speak very clearly – I mean the actual number of HowToBasic channel followers which is pretty close to 10 million for something like that. In fact, HowToBasic is the most watched Australian channel on this platform. That’s pretty impressive, huh? Looks like we are now handling Australia’s modern national treasure – Skippy and Crocodile Dundee can go sliding on their bare asses, reddish with envy. Let’s face it, this man just hit the jackpot… and people will want to imitate him. And they‘ll fail. Just look at howtomakefoodtv channel. Pretty lame, right? Well, when two do the same, it’s not always the same thing. HowToBasic has the advantage over the others that he’s probably a nutcase and he always goes full throttle.

It’s low… low entertainment for sure. But people somehow like it – because it’s tasteless, sick, perverse and aggressive. Perhaps it’s even a work of a mentally disturbed individual. It looks like nowadays you can get rich thanks to anything. Even thanks to egg holocaust shot in POV which must make every vegan cry (because that consumption of eggs is really enormous).

P.S.: This is supposed to be the guy behind the whole thing:

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Through Vomiting and Penises to a More Valuable Art

Okay, honestly, for quite some time the art branch is no longer as exclusive as it was in times of Michelangelo or Frida Kahlo. I think that we all can agree on that. You remember Vincent Van Gogh, who had to be financed by his own brother so that he could get canvases and oil paints for his paintings? These things are now much more affordable, although, of course, Van Gogh is not exactly the best case because he had a pretty large consumption with his super unique style – yeah, that eared boy could control his temper a bit and he didn‘t have to squeeze such a large amount of color out of the tubes at every “snick” on the canvas. Anyway, that’s what he was, he was exceptional. What’s important is that now perhaps every second person can afford a canvas and paint colors. A person can paint a couple of pictures and he can call himself a painter. And when he doesn‘t know how to paint, he comes up with some additional value to make his creation more interesting than it actually is. I mean – just look at that lovely Millie Brown (do not confuse her with Millie „Eleven“ Brown from Stranger Things) – I’m not saying that the girl does not know how to paint, no, but let’s be honest, would she has the same attention if she did not vomit on a canvas? Yeah, exactly, sweet Miss Millie is practicing truly original painting technique – first she drinks a bottle of watery color, then stands above the canvas, puts her fingers in her throat and starts to vomit all over the canvas. Whatever Jackson Pollock runs in his studio with open canisters like a maniac, spilling various colors all over the place, well, he can try as hard as he can, but this Millie Brown’s creative approach is just totally different kind of punk!

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You can say or vomit whatever you want, Millie Brown really can be a good painter, but, in my opinion, she is first of all a damn good businessman. Nowadays, when everybody who has a camera immediately becomes a photographer (especially now, when there is a pretty good camera in almost every cellphone – and what can I say, who doesn’t have a cellphone today?), it is just damn important to differentiate yourself from other eager beavers. You have to stand out. You have to glow. To vomit like a devil.

Millie Brown just figured it out. People just don’t care about simply beautiful paintings. People just don’t care about complicated art either. They are interested in art with a story. „Hey, look, it’s  the painting from that woman who vomits colors!“ People are interested in exotics. They like shocking stuff. Stuff that will make them say „OMG, realy?“ or „No way!“ or „That’s just so sick!“

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And you know who else figured it out? A guy who calls himself Pricasso. What is his superpower? Tim Patch a.k.a. Pricasso once told himself that he will not spend money on brushes and instead he’ll pain with his own sausage. And so here he is – a guy in pink costume who is soaking his nude Wiener Schnitzel in painter’s palette and is painting with it. Damn, that’s the spirit, right?

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Look, it’s not bad, I can recognize people on some of those portraits he made. I’m just asking myself: would that guy be equally famous if he painted with normal brushed? If he didn’t dress like an idiot? I don’t think so. And that’s the point. The market (not only) with art is overwhelmed and requires artists to go in more aggressive and extreme ways to differentiate themselves from the mass in order to receive their desired attention. Let’s face it, art is no longer just about your skills, about being able to do something, to make something. Being the best in something may not be enough anymore. In fact, in some cases you don‘t even have to be average, you just have to be perverse or weird. I’m just thinking that if Van Gogh, Monet or Modigliani would be still alive, they‘ll probably run fast to Elon Musk into SpaceX, begging him to shoot them immediately to Mars.

Everything is Possible in Trump-O-Verse

If what Castaneda and Doctor Strange are saying is not a pile of rainbow colored bullshit and there really is more than one reality, then in the end of 2016 our reality just had to get on the list of dystopian alternative realities not so much different from those in which the heroes of the Hollywood films are unfortunate to get into and for the rest of the movie are trying to get out, simply because these realities just damn suck. When we were watching Marty McFly in the second installment of the Back to the Future franchise at the 90s as he walked through dystopian California which was so bad it looked like Detroit, who would have guessed that at the end of the Year of the Fire Monkey the Americans will elect Donald Trump as their new President – a guy who is a funnier (and unfortunately real) version of Biff Tannen, Back to the Future’s main villain. Yeah, at that moment the shit just got real.

Biff

Normally I don‘t care much about politics, but even so I was pretty surprised by winning of that Yankee hot head with the phason of retired Las Vegas electric bull rider. I quickly recalled one of The Simpsons episodes in which Homer encounters President Trump.

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That’s an episode from year 2000! What does it mean? It means that we found ourselves in reality where cartoons can become a chillingly real. “That’s good, dude, look, they’ve got President Trump in it,” we could say with a smile from ear to ear when we were sitting in front of the TV, sixteen years earlier before the 45th US presidential election, and watching that The Simpsons episode called Bart to the Future. Yeah, its title clearly refers to that Back to the Future movie. See? Things seem to be coming full circle.

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To sum it up – obviously we live in a reality that could also work as a prequel to that dystopic America in (as my grandmother likes to say to everything that deviates from the tendencies of traditional Italian neorealism) fantasmagoric comedy Back to the Future II. At the same time, a thing that used to work as crazy joke back in 2000 in the famous cartoon series in which everything is possible, has become real. And I mean – everything is possible in The Simpsons, right? So the creators could as well state aliens Kang & Kodos as Presidents in that episode, or Mel Gibson’s Viking alter ego named Bjorn… or even Paris Hilton’s chihuahua could be a President in this one as well. Anyway, for The Simpsons creators President Trump was still more funny against all these wild possibilities so they’ve put him into it eventually. And this cartoon joke is true for more than one year now, from time to time it is still funny but generally most of grandpa Trump’s clumsy manifestations are rather disturbing.

More and more, however, I tell myself that perhaps in this reality everything is possible – or at least anything Hollywood movies and cartoon series are about. I suppose I should start watching The Simpsons again to know what my children will grow up into in the next ten or fifteen years.